Vanessa and Xander: Is The Ultimatum Queer Love Duo Still Together?

Vanessa Papa and Xander Boger

While there’s no denying every relationship comes with its fair share of issues, things do get a lot more complicated when the individuals involved aren’t on the same page regarding their future. This much has actually been evidenced in Netflix’s ‘The Ultimatum: Queer Love,’ wherein the future in question is, of course, taking the next step toward marriage and building a family together. Amongst those to thus feature in this series in the hopes of working through their differences were Vanessa Papa (she/her) and Xander Boger (she/her/they) — so now, let’s find out more about them, shall we?

Vanessa and Xander’s The Ultimatum: Queer Love Journey

It was seemingly back in the early 2010s when Vanessa first came across Xander in one of the most classic queer ways imaginable as high school seniors — their boyfriends were best friends. They hence did get to know one another a bit during this period, but it was only five years later they (re)connected at a local taco truck, driving the former to make a move without wasting any time. She asked the latter whether she/they were single and gay, to which they somehow felt comfortable enough to respond “yes” even though they’d come out to just their best friend til that moment.

This fateful day was Saturday, October 14, 2017, and it sparked such a long-term, fun-filled, romantic association that it changed both Vanessa and Xander’s life by the time 2021 rolled around. Though while the latter had reached the point of needing stability, marriage, as well as a full-blown family, the former still desired a life of utter freedom/non-permanency, leading to the ultimatum. “I feel like we have a connection that I’m never gonna find again,” the then-30-year-old elucidated in the reality series. “And I don’t honestly want to look for it again. But I want to be married.”

On the other hand, Vanessa stated, “I love [my girlfriend] so much, but I never envisioned a long-term relationship. I don’t want permanency. I don’t want stability. I want freedom; that’s not what a marriage consists off.” Xander actually understood this, yet since they admittedly care about their future children more than anything or anyone else, they were ready to leave their partner behind for good. However, neither of them could have ever imagined the various ways things would unfold once they began dating the other queer people who had also willingly joined ‘The Ultimatum.’

After all, Vanessa quickly established flirtationships with (awkwardly) both Lexi Goldberg and her “ex-girlfriend” Rae Cheung-Sutton, whereas Xander found themself growing close to Yoly Rojas. Yet it quickly came to light the former didn’t actually think her own “ex” would find an affinity, let alone the deep kind they did, causing nearly everyone to question this influencer’s overall intentions. The truth is her girlfriend was the sole person to defend her in public, but even they personally felt her behavior to be selfish owing to the fact she wasn’t holding back in any way, shape, or form.

Then there’s the fact Vanessa did couple up with Rae for the three-week trial marriage after disrespecting Xander by telling them to “f**k off” multiple times when they chose Yoly for the same. We also can’t ignore they both got physical with their new partners, but while the former pairing’s involvement was more for fun than anything else, the latter’s was full of emotion, care, and devotion. In fact, Xander and Yoly developed such a natural bond within their three weeks that they actually fell completely in love with one another, leaving their bond with Vanessa rockier than ever before.

Vanessa and Xander’s Relationship Status is Unclear

It was definitely hard for Xander to return to Vanessa for their own trial marriage following their experience with Yoly, yet they did gradually begin trying to make their original relationship work. But alas, the long-term couple could never find themselves on the same page — when the former was ready, the latter was not, and then it switched by the time Decision Day rolled around. Therefore, they unsurprisingly chose to part ways as amicably as they could, all the while maintaining there would always be a lot of love between them since they’d essentially come out to the world together.

From what we can tell through their respective social media platforms, Vanessa Papa and Xander Boger have never rekindled their bond, and nor do they seem to be on great terms anymore. For starters, they do not mutually follow one another on Instagram or seem to have maintained contact in any manner, plus the influencer created a new profile less than a year ago “for a fresh start.” Then there’s the fact that while she relocated from Hawaii to Los Angeles, California, sometime in 2022, the latter continues to be a physical therapist based out of Kailua-Kona, Hawaii. It’s also imperative to note they both appear to be single at the moment — they’re simply focusing all their energy on their journey of self-improvement as well as their creative, passionate careers.

Read More: Are Yoly and Mal From The Ultimatum: Queer Love Still Together?